Yeah, I'm alive!

 You ever stop and look at how much time has passed from one point in your life to where you are now and gasp for breath? It's almost suffocating to realize years can go by and in your brain, you think it's only been six months.

Clearly this is the case when it comes to blogging. I know I've discussed how I often forget to blog in the past, but now that I am over the age of 60, my brain lies to me and tells me I just blogged a few months ago, when, in fact, it's been years.

Getting older sucks. 

My whole life, since I was a toddler, has been about expressing myself with words, and sadly as I get older, the words often fail me. Or there is major disconnect between the ideas in my head and what makes it to the page. Oh, it's even worse when I am talking. There is not just disconnect, but complete shut-down where the words get backed up behind an invisible, and completely clogged, mental drain and what comes out of my mouth is a lot of "hurrrrr durrrrrr hurrrrr."

Just wait and see. You'll be older one day and you'll remember this when you are saying, "Hurrrdeeedurrr" to someone who just asked you your name.

I am now caretaking for my mom, who has dementia, and my brain is not what it used to be. Caretaking means being on high levels of cortisol almost 24/7 - you are always in fight or flight mode and rarely can you relax long enough to sleep, let alone write. There are constant interruptions, doctor visits, phone calls, saying things over and over again and dealing with a loved one who really is fast becoming just a shell of who they used to be. There is also the facing of mortality that comes with caretaking, and realizing one day you will be on the receiving end.

I was not made for caretaking. I have little patience. I took great care raising a son alone who had a disability and I was there and beyond for him and will always be, but now having to do the same for a parent is exhausting. It's truly exhausting.

Still, I have to write. I have to find time to tell stories or convey things I've learned because that is not what I do, it's who I AM. It just takes me a lot longer now and I can't work on five things at once. Working on one is all I can handle for now. As long as I just keep putting the words to the page.

So, if I forget to blog, forgive me. I am here and I still have a lot to say and write about. I hope to be doing so until the day my brain says, "Hurrrrduurrrrrrrrrrr, enough already!" Then I shall retire to Sanibel Island and look for sea shells for the rest of my days.