Monday, February 16, 2015

Out of Control!

Personal shifts happen all the time in life, especially to those who are open to growth and evolution. People who are not happy staying stuck in the same rut or shit pile. People who are ok going outside the comfort zone no matter how much it hurts, feels weird, disorients, frightens or confuses.

I am undergoing this amazingly terrifying, yet awe-filled shift right now because of a huge choice I made a few weeks ago, and it's all about control. Or lack of it, as the case may be. You see, I used to be God in my life. I used to want, no, NEED, to control every aspect, every situation, and every person who came into my life in order to get my imagined needs and desires met, even the needs and desires that once met, weren't really what I needed or desired. I had to be in charge, on top of things, governing and supervising, running the show and directing the movie of what life should look like inside my head, even when my heart and soul weren't quite in agreement with the script.

Control freak much? Yeah…except there was no joy in it, and certainly no peace in it, and after a long, long time, I just got so sick and tired, so I gave up. But not in the giving up kind of way that means throwing in the towel and sucking my thumb in a corner because I cannot handle life anymore. More in the I don't give a flying two bit fuck anymore about who does what and why and what it all means, because it isn't making me happy or healthy or wealthy or wise to keep worrying about what everyone else is up to and the reasons behind it all. I gave up in a sort of "let it go" kind of way and went all Frozen on life's ass. I finally realized that not giving a shit was the equivalent of surrendering, relaxing and caring more for myself, and therefore, being more of a cool person than some angry, resentful, annoyed bitch who was always looking for a way to make something happen. Giving up can be so amazingly freeing.

Because in reality, I have absolutely NO CONTROL over people, and even many of life's situations. I am not supposed to have control. I have control over ME and my responses and reactions, my actions and words and abilities, my movements and choices and decisions. Life often supplies us with ample opportunities, and some we can take by the throat and choke the hell out of for every bit of success and happiness they can provide…others we cannot touch, because they exist outside our realm of force or influence. Serenity, as the famous prayer says, comes from knowing the difference and what to do about it. It also comes from having a little trust now and then in the natural order and flow of things.

So after all the years of my life spent trying to force, push, pull, shape, twist, mold and pry a situation or a person into what I thought was right for my own goals and needs, I came to understand that I would never be at peace and truly a self-powered individual if I continued this exhausting and frustrating behavior. I came to understand that we can be in the lives of others, and have them in ours, and have healthy boundaries and interactions, without having to make them into my own little Mini-Mes and Yes People. Some people aren't meant to be just as we want them to. Some are meant to mirror us, challenge us, push our buttons, show us our dirty laundry and even undermine us, all as a means for our growth and expansion. And as for situations? Sure, some I can control…and plenty I cannot. Some I have little control over, some I need to just surrender completely. It's hard to tell the difference, but that is the gift of discernment, integrity and self-worth…guess I need to work on that stuff more!

It's none of my business what others think, say, feel, want or do…and it's out of my control. And to tell you the truth, that is a good thing…no, a great thing. Because it's hard enough to live my life within the confines of my own boundaries than to cross into those of others and try to live their lives. It wastes my energy, and my time, and rarely do I get the end result I thought I so certainly needed out of it. What a bust deal! One life is more than enough of a joyful pain in the ass…I don't need yours, too!

I am NOT IN control! But because of that revelation…I am more than ever in control of ME, and my life is now my own and not a collective mess of influences I never wanted in the first place, beliefs that never resonated with my soul, and ideas that were never mine to begin with.

I welcome people and situations into my life all the time (I let them exit, too!). I just no longer welcome controlling who, what, where, why and how. I don't need to be God and Overlord of the Universe. It's too tiring and tedious, to be honest, and I kind of suck at it, from the visible results I've seen in my life. There is a lot to be said for being out of control!