Monday, July 16, 2012

Addictions - Chips Are Crack

We all have our addictions. I have some. I am addicted to Lay’s Classic Potato Chips. Just the plain ones, not the ones with flavoring or ruffles. I know ruffles have ridges but I don’t give a shit. I like my chips plain.

So to me, Lays Classic Potato Chips are like a drug. Like maybe crack or heroin, except without the positive weight loss benefit. I cannot eat just one, so don’t even think about handing me a bag unless you plan to get it back empty. I think it’s hormonal. The fat and salt combination makes me feel good.

I used to be addicted to Facebook, but I’m getting better now. I would post at least ten times a day (I think I’m down to five or six now, most days, unless I am extremely bored and there is no food around) and because I am a writer, I had the greatest excuse. I told myself I was “promoting my name” and getting myself publicity by posting so much. But really I was just slacking off. I almost typed jacking off, haha, good thing I caught that.

Now sometimes I go on Facebook and I think “what a bunch of tools and morons, all talking about their pedicures or what they ate or where they work out...” and all the political drama and relationship status changes. TMI people!!! And before you know it, my disgust has dissipated and I am posting offensive pictures or stuff that comes off the top of my head with little time to censor. It’s addicting, posting every thought that comes into your mind, and thinking that other people really care what kind of lunch meat you put on your sandwich. I mean, why wouldn’t they care? I’m a famous writer after all, with a big Facebook following, to which I promote daily.

Sometimes ten times a day!

I do have an addictive personality, though. I mean, I had a container full of almonds, the raw and healthy kind so I could have a healthy snack. I for some reason decided to pour in a bag of M&Ms sitting on the counter, and soon I found myself having a handful of almonds and M&Ms every hour. Then I figured, what the hell, and I just started picking out the M&Ms. I mean, come on, who am I kidding. Chocolate is addictive.

Now there are about ten almonds left. I’ll eat them eventually, when I find something addicting to mix them with.

I am addicted to pens. I love pens. I collect them. Well, I steal them. From banks, stores, auto mechanic shops. You know, sometimes they just give them away free with their logos on them, but other times they don't make that really clear, if the pens are free or just laying on the counter unattended, so I assume the former. I cannot own enough pens. I keep them even when they run out of ink. They are good for opening boxes when I am too lazy to get up and get the screwdriver.

I used to be hooked on all those games like Snood and Bejeweled, but for some reason I have not gotten hooked on any Facebook games. I do not farm on Farmville or play anything at all. I think it’s because there is no opportunity for me to promote myself by playing games, and we all know that promoting my work is my sole purpose for being on Facebook in the first place.


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